The Gentle Guide to Exploring Kink and Fantasy
How to explore new desires with curiosity, communication, and emotional safety
We often think of desire as something that is set in stone, a fixed list of turn-ons that we can go to when we want to get intimate. Maybe it’s a sensual bath, maybe it’s a touch on the upper thigh or the enticing smell of your partner. However, our erotic interests can actually shift and grow over time. You might be flipping through that newly recommended smut book, watching something erotic on the screen in front of you, or hear a friend mention an experience, and suddenly your curiosity is sparked.
Exploring new kinks and fantasies can be thrilling, exciting and rewarding, but it can also mean entering vulnerable territory as it often involves us stepping into the unknown, letting go of certain judgements and leaning into sensual surrender. However, before jumping right in, exploring kink requires us to have fearless, honest communication, a rock-solid consent framework, unwavering mutual respect for each partner, and a shared commitment to safety. Ultimately, it means creating a space where curiosity and pleasure can fully flourish.
This gentle guide will help you explore new desires in a way that feels exciting, consensual and emotionally safe.
What Do We Mean by Kink and BDSM?
If you’ve never heard of kink or BDSM, don’t fret. In the simplest terms, kink refers to any sexual interest, activity, or dynamic that falls outside what’s considered “mainstream” or “vanilla” sex (think of it like a kink in a hose, or a bend in a line). Kinks can range from playful spanking, sensory play and roleplay, to power exchange dynamics, impact play, or fetish interests.
BDSM is a form of kink that involves Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. This often falls under the concept of playing with power dynamics. While it often gets portrayed as extreme, in reality BDSM can be as light or intense as you and your partner choose and at its core, it’s about consensual, negotiated play.
Before you start exploring Kink, ensure you are strongly aware of consent boundaries. Engaging in a kinky act is often referred to as a ‘scene’, this is a negotiated period of time whereby you and your partner/s discuss activities you are going to engage in, this might mean telling your partner what your limits are, coming up with a safe word, and ensuring you put in time for aftercare.
Remember, consent is like FRIES:
Freely Given - there is no pressure, obligation or coercion
Reversible - it can be taken away at any point
Informed - aware of what you’re agreeing to
Enthusiastic - it’s a YES not maybe
Specific - specific to each sexual act
Why Curiosity is Normal
It’s human to feel curious about new ways of experiencing pleasure. Kink and fantasy exploration can be as much about emotional connection and self-discovery as it is about physical sensation. You don’t have to identify as “kinky” to benefit from exploring and you don’t have to try everything you think about.
How to Explore Gently and Safely
1. Get Curious With Yourself First
Before sharing a kink or fantasy with a partner, spend time understanding it.
What’s appealing about this to me? Is it the physical act, the emotional dynamic, or the setting?
Does this feel like something I want to try in real life, or just enjoy in my imagination?
Are there any elements that make me feel nervous or unsure? How would I communicate this to my partner?
You might find that journaling, daydreaming, or reading erotica helps you understand the core of your interest.
2. Start With a Conversation, Not an Activity
When you’re ready to share, set the scene for a low-pressure conversation. This isn’t something to spring on your partner mid-sex — instead, talk during a relaxed, clothed moment.
Try starting with curiosity rather than expectation:
“I’ve been reading about [fantasy/kink] and it really caught my interest. I’m not sure how I feel about trying it yet, but I’d love to explore the idea with you.”
This approach leaves space for your partner to respond honestly without feeling pushed.
3. Use the Yes / Maybe / No Framework
This framework sets out a list of various kinks, where you and your partner can determine which one’s you like, ones you’re curious about and one’s that are a big NO.
Yes: You’re both enthusiastic and ready to try
Maybe: You’re open, but need more conversation, conditions, or time
No: It’s not for you right now, and that’s okay
The goal isn’t to turn “no’s” into “yes’s,” but to understand where you both feel comfortable.
4. Take Small Steps
If you decide to explore, begin with a light or symbolic version of the kink rather than diving straight into the deep end.
Curious about impact play? Start with a gentle hand tap over clothes.
Interested in power dynamics? Try incorporating suggestive language before adding physical elements.
Fascinated by roleplay? Begin with short, playful scenarios rather than full characters.
Small steps let you both gauge comfort levels and build trust.
5. Keep Checking In
Checking in before, during, and after is essential.
Before: Agree on boundaries, safe words, and signals for pausing. Choose a non-sexual safe word like apple or sunflower. Another popular tool is the traffic light system; green for go, yellow for slow down, and red for immediately stop. A non-verbal safe word is also a good idea for situations where breath play might come into it.
During: Use verbal check-ins or pre-agreed cues to communicate throughout. Exploring new things can feel awkward and is not going to look like it does in porn. There might be laughing, there might be awkward body combinations. Checking in throughout is incredibly important to check in on consent too.
After: Don’t forget the aftercare. Aftercare is incredibly important in reconnecting after a sexual experience, particularly one which might push the boundaries. Share what you enjoyed, what parts might’ve felt off, and whether you want to explore further. Offer physical or emotional connection; take a shower together or have a cup of tea.
6. Prioritise Emotional Safety
Exploring new desires can bring up unexpected feelings; excitement, embarrassment, vulnerability, even old memories. This is normal.
If something feels overwhelming, it’s okay to slow down, pause, or stop altogether. Emotional safety is as important as physical safety.
7. Remember: It’s About Connection, Not Performance
Kink and fantasy exploration isn’t about “getting it right” — it’s about creating an experience you both enjoy. You’re not auditioning for a role; you’re experimenting together. Play, laugh, and be kind to yourselves along the way.
Final thoughts
If you’re not quite ready to fully go all in, maybe you want to dip your toe in and start exploring kink in a way that is safe for you. It may be that you start by reading or listening to erotica. Erotica can be a non-comittal way to start the exploration of your fantasies. Keep your mind open and write down any that speak to your arousal.
Chat to a sex therapist. Sometimes our fantasies may spark some unwanted icky feelings of shame or embarrassment. We all grow up inheriting sexual scripts where we learn what is considered “right” or “wrong”. Depending on these scripts or what messages we grew up with, some sexual fantasies may bring up big feelings. Chatting to a professional can help you understand where these feelings are coming from.